Is It Time You Made Fear Your Best Friend?

When I write a new book, I often get THE FEAR. When I start a new venture, I get THE FEAR. When I start a new website or come up with a crazy business idea or do something that means having to put myself out there⌠youâve guessed it, THE FEAR shows up. I expect it every time, so I know itâs coming, but that doesnât mean it isnât really, really annoying. In the past, fear has stopped me from doing so many things â in terms of business and in terms of life in general â but these days, I try to look at it a little differentlyâŚ
Fear is the ultimate frenemy
A lot of people think of fear as being this terrible thing, and that if we could only eradicate it from the world completely, our lives would be a hell of a lot better all round. But would they really? Yes, fear can suck, and yes, fear can stop us from doing the things we really want to do â looking for a new job, asking that person out on a date, joining that dance class, trying out new social situations with people we donât know â but if we try really hard to understand fear, we can use it to our advantage, and we can make it our best friend rather than our enemy. I suppose, thinking of it like that, fear is the original â and ultimate â frenemy.
Back in the Stone AgeâŚ
In the past â and Iâm talking way in the past here, like caveman times â fear was an essential part of our survival. And when I say essential, I mean essential â life and death stuff. Stuff like, âHey, we should probably run away from that lion, it looks kind of mad and hungryâ and, âWe should probably get out of the way of that herd of woolly mammoths, you know, just in case.â Now, Iâm not really that knowledgeable about prehistoric man â or prehistoric ladies â so I might not have got that completely right, but the point Iâm trying to make is that fear can be good. Actually, for hundreds of thousands of years now, fear has been trying to be our best friend.
If you look at fear really closely, youâll see that itâs actually trying to help us. It warns us not to walk out onto the motorway so we donât get run over, it sends us flying for shelter when we hear a loud noise that could be a gunshot, it tells us we probably shouldnât be going into that old, empty house that looks like itâs been haunted for several hundred years, and especially not in the dark of night. Itâs looking out for us, watching our backs, keeping us safe, and all we can do is run away from it and call it names. The point is, fear is trying to be a good friend to us â itâs doing all the things a good friend should do â and weâre having none of it. In fact, we just keep pushing it away, hiding from it, ignoring its calls and messages, and basically just ghosting the hell out of it. Rude, right? We should be ashamed.
Fear is helpful, but not too bright
So, when we start thinking about looking for a new job or we start considering a new venture like writing a book from scratch, and fear walks in and says things like, âAre you sure youâre ready for that?â or, âWhat if thatâs the wrong decision for you?â or, âWhat if you fall on your face and everyone laughs at you?â itâs really just trying to help â in its own weird little way. Fear doesnât know the difference between possible death by moving car, by haunted house, or by the unknown venture weâve never tried before. To fear, itâs all new, itâs all outside our comfort zone, and itâs all absolutely, utterly bewildering. So it tries to stop us, just in case itâs something it should be protecting us from. Itâs a nice thing to do, but â in some instances â wholly unhelpful.
Itâs our job to teach fear when it can help (like with the cars and the haunted houses â although Iâm pretty partial to the odd haunted house, so that might not be the best metaphor for me) and when it needs to back off (like with the new life choices we need to decide on and experience for ourselves, without something pulling us away the whole time just in case itâs dangerous). Itâs also our job to be able to distinguish the differences ourselves, and not let fear get the better of us during a situation that isnât life and death.
Fear is just excitement in a fancy hat
Fear will always be there, just as itâs always been there. Itâs ingrained in each and every one of us, just as much as any other emotion â and itâs a good thing it is, especially for our ancestors with the lions and woolly mammoths or whatever animals were around back then. But sometimes, we just have to stand our ground and order fear to stop. We have to tell it to mind its own business and let us get on with things, because fear as an emotion is extremely close to excitement, and sometimes our bodies â and our minds â canât tell the difference. In fact, fear is just excitement in a fancy hat â or, more likely, a long dark veil, like something out of a gothic horror story. When it comes to fear and excitement, we feel all the same things: the pounding in our chest, the sweat on our brow or upper lip, trembling hands and jelly-like legs, butterflies in our stomach, perhaps the vague sense that we might throw up at any moment. No wonder fear gets so confused between things that excite us and things that could kill us (especially as, sometimes, it can be both â just take the haunted house, for instance).
Fear means youâre on the right path
The bottom line is, if youâre about to do something new and exciting â something youâve never done before that youâre not entirely 100% sure about â and if fear is rearing its ugly head (along with its fancy little hat), you can rest assured that youâre on the right path. If the idea scares you â and if itâs not likely to kill you â then go for it. Fear will always be there, hanging around right next to you and asking annoying questions to keep checking up on you, but you just need to get used to it, to make fear your friend rather than your enemy. Take it to one side and explain to it that this venture isnât going to kill you, or hurt you or harm you in any way, and that youâre going to do it whether fear likes it or not. You appreciate the backup, but sometimes, fear just needs to take a back seat for a while. Sometimes, it needs to take off its fancy hat, put its feet up, and have a nice cup of tea while you do your thing.
When you think of fear like that â in its little fancy hat, trying its best to look out for its friend â it doesnât seem so scary, does it?
For more insights into fear â and you how you can make it your friend using writing techniques and exercises â check out my book, Write Your Life: The Ultimate Life Hack For Achieving Your Dreams. You can also get a free accompanying Write Your Life Workbook PDF when you sign up to the WTA mailing list, Write Your Week.
How do you deal with fear? Do you have any tips or tricks you want to share? Let us know below. And, if youâve found this blog post useful, please share it with a friend who might benefit from these words as well â thank you!